All Things Anxiety

Feeling my feelings and breathing through it.

Wow! These past few weeks have been so intense and yet absolutely healing at the same time. I haven’t been writing as much as I usually do, in part because I think I am trying to avoid actually confronting some of my fears and thoughts that have been popping up.

The winter months (November to February) have always felt much heavier and intense. Those months are filled with a lot of past trauma and tend to take a toll on me mentally and even physically at times (debilitating anxiety).

I am fortunate to have a lot of resources and tools that will continue to help me, and have helped me get through those times in the past. There’s something about this year and the past few months that have been extremely difficult.

Being in residential for my eating disorder, I have been actively working on my last maladaptive coping skill. I’m fortunate to be at the place where I now have 4 years free of alcohol and am incredibly grateful for that. I also (for the most part) am no longer actively seeking out others to fulfill a need for validation and acceptance.

I am doing all of these things, and yet, my eating disorder still has an iron grip on me. Progressively getting stronger the more I do opposite actions. A good friend of mine said that the darkness tends to hold on tighter when the light comes through, don’t let it.

I feel like giving up sometimes. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I don’t know how to get through it. I feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed just by this recovery process. Add in lots of trauma, and just existing feels like I’m walking through water with concrete in my shoes.

I’m tired of having so many things be thrown in my way. I’m exhausted. I hate feeling like I’m alone (I am fortunate to have an amazing support network that reminds me I’m not alone).

Having a few weeks to feel so completely supported and loved has been healing and felt like a dream.

I find myself in situations of temporary support and kindness only to have it fall through the cracks or having the need to leave (due to insurance or finances ). It’s heartbreaking to be so close to feeling completely safe and comfortable to express myself to having to revert back into survival mode.

I want to create a life for myself that makes me excited. A life filled with creativity, curiosity and adventure. A life that’s complete with recovery and a strong support network of those who respect me and my gender identity.

I have a lot of people in my life who tell me that these are just the bare necessities. That everyone should feel safe and secure and be surrounded with love and kindness and support.

I think it’s sad that those ideas are my ideal, when to others, it’s their base level. I’ve never felt capable of achieving or surrounding myself with those types of people. I think parts of me didn’t believe that those people existed, and if they did, I’d instantly think “well what do they want from me” or thought that they would pity me.

My anxiety has been getting increasingly worse the closer it comes to knowing that I won’t be in this safe environment for much longer. Also, knowing that I have a big traumaversary (day where a traumatic event occurred) coming up, combined with not a lot of alone time, has been affecting my mental health. This has made completing my meals and my desires to engage in eating disorder behaviors that much stronger.

I know that I have made it through things that have killed other people. If I can do that, then I can continue to survive. My hopes is that one day I’ll have the resources to fully thrive and become my most truest authentic self.

XOXO

Teddy Hikes