Birthday Blues.

I survived another year.

CW: Sexual Assault

I truly am in awe every time I make it to another birthday.

When I was a teen I struggled with self harm, alcoholism, an eating disorder and a few other mental health issues. I truly did not believe that I was ever going to make it past 16. It’s now 10 years later and I’m still here.

February 1st has always been a tough day for me. I was left at an orphanage in Romania when I was only a few days old. I moved to the US and was adopted when I was one and a half years old.

While some consider this alone to be traumatic to a child, several years later I was in a pretty dangerous situation. I had made the decision to hang out with one of my coworkers and he ended up driving us to an abandoned lot. He proceeded to sexually assault me. A few years later after some research I found out that we ended up in the parking lot of the jail (of all places).

This happened the day after my 18th birthday. While that wasn’t my first assault, it was one that really took a mental toll on me. It was also the second time I decided to report an assault to the police. When I made the decision to report my assault to the police I dealt with a lot of victim blaming and judgement. The cops even told me that had I been assaulted just two days earlier they could’ve done something about it. Nothing came from my report to the police or the rape kit that was done at the hospital a day later. It was clear that they (the cops) just did not care.

A few month later I was reading the local news and saw a headline about a man who “had sexual relations with a 14 year old”. My heart sank as I held my breath and opened the link. Sure enough, it was the same person that had assaulted me.

I struggle with a lot of guilt and shame because of this. I also feel a lot of frustration towards the police. Had they believed me or taken me seriously then maybe I could’ve prevented that from happening to the other person. I even ended up calling the precinct that was responsible for that case and said that he (my assailant) had done this before. They took my information, victim blamed me, and never reached out again.

He ended up going to jail for a few years due to the incident with the 14 year old. I just wish I could’ve prevented him from attacking again.

While I have unfortunately been assaulted a few times, the fact that this particular assault happened the day after my birthday and that he did it again after me truly makes me feel sick.

Although this happened 8 years ago, I still am working on healing myself and processing this trauma.

So, when people ask “Well why don’t you want to celebrate your birthday?” or “Can I please celebrate you?” etc, I want no part in the day.

Working with one of my therapists, they came up with a really good idea. “Why not change your birthday?”. Truly, thats been sounding like a great idea. I can choose any day of the year. One that isn’t attached to so much trauma or near a traumaversary .

So today, while it is my legal birthday, is just another day. I will find a different day to celebrate me. A day that doesn’t cause me so much panic and stress.

So, for the rest of the day I’m going to enjoy my Starbucks (a yummy soy chai latte pictured below) that my dietician got me here in residential, and I’m going to smile and be polite to everyone who wishes me a happy birthday.

When it’s finally time to fall asleep tonight, I’ll feel like I can breathe just a little bit more.

Thanks for reading. ❤

XOXO

Teddy Hikes

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault please know that you are not alone. If you need to reach out and speak to someone the National Sexual Assault Helpline is free, confidential, 24/7 and a great resource (1-800-656-4673).