Staying Present in Recovery

Recovery isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

A person I look up to reminded me recently that I’m wishing I would be at a more recovered place, a place that I’ve been at in the past.

She reminded me that I’m not going to know what recovery looks like for me because I haven’t ever fully been recovered. She said it takes some people the amount of time they’ve been engaging in behaviors to become fully recovered (20+years for me).

Within that time, an individual in eating disorder recovery will continue progressing with less behaviors and gain more flexibility surrounding food rules.

Hearing that gives me hope and also scares me a bit.

I feel like I shouldn’t be as anxious as I am and that I should feel more recovered than I did the last time. It’s that kind of thinking that will get me into trouble.

I have to focus on the moment and stay present in today.

After stepping down for residential I’ve completed a few meals alone. I forgot how lonely I would feel eating by myself.

Going from an environment where you’re eating meals with at least a dozen people to be alone is an intense change of scenery.

I have started to portion and prepare my meals for the days to come. It is exhausting having to do that six times a day but as the days go on, it has gotten a bit easier.

I’m learning this time around that I shouldn’t have any kind of expectation as to where I should be in my recovery process. I’ve found that whenever I have expectations they tend to lead towards resentments.

Recovery is not linear. It is so vast and constantly changing.

If I continue to work hard and do what I need to do (nourish my body, and do the work to heal past trauma) then I will get to a place of full recovery and authenticity. The journey is what makes it all worth it.

I know now that recovery is not something that can happen instantly overnight (although I wish it were that simple sometimes).

It will take a lot of difficult work, not only with abstaining from eating disorder behaviors and challenging food rules, but on truly focusing on my root causes of my eating disorder and healing the trauma wounds and beliefs I’ve held since I was a child.

I feel somewhat confident that I will be able to continue on the journey of recovery while utilizing a virtual treatment format.

Sure some days drag on, but I’m looking forward to the day where I won’t be in treatment and will be following my dreams and living as my most authentic self.

I’m excited to start this new chapter of my life. Thanks for reading along on this adventure!

XOXO

Teddy Hikes