Letting go of my eating disorder & living my life to the fullest.

A few weeks ago I wrote this letter to my eating disorder.

I wasn’t initially planning on sharing this to anyone but I thought that maybe someone out there could relate.

I’ve come really far in just these short weeks in terms of my recovery.

I had the flu for over a week, and was not feeling the greatest.

I then got better and was able to focus more on my recovery, only to get Covid shortly afterwards.

Being sick and getting knocked down again, has continued to prove to me just how badly I want recovery.

Starting from zero and fighting again has made me exhausted and proven that I can do this.

I can recover and I will fight harder each time my body tries to bring me down again.

Despite being sick, I continued to do whatever it took to stay on the path towards recovery.

My dietician even gave me a great tip that made me never want to listen to my eating disorder again (message me if you want to know what she said).

From that moment I felt true growth and some confidence that maybe I could live a life without my eating disorder.

Here’s the letter I wrote to my eating disorder which I’ve named Ed.

xx

CW: mention of trauma, food, behaviors, mental health challenges & malnutrition

Dear Eating Disorder,

I fucking hate you

I hate that I’m stuck here trying to recover day in and day out

Drinking ensure plus and juice

Crying over meal increases

Having constant anxiety around movement

You wrecked my mind

You don’t get to dictate my life anymore

I’m tired of having to fight every minute of every day to live and survive and thrive

You took everything from me and then some

I will win.

Until then, I won’t stop fighting you

Little Teddy deserves more

Sure you might have helped me survive at one point but now you’re only killing me

I want to live

I want to experience life to the fullest

I want to be adventurous and not hate every inch of my body

I feel so sick every day trying to catch up for years of malnourishment

I’m not going to let that deter me

I need too be free of you

I won’t stop fighting

Fuck you Ed!

xx

I used to be terrified to live my life without my eating disorder.

Now , I’m terrified to live a life with it.

I won’t stop fighting.

Sure, some days are so difficult and I feel like it’s not worth it, but in the end, recovery has given me a life I could’ve never imagined possible.

I’m living in a safe, beautiful place.

My pronouns and identity are accepted.

My coworkers and bosses are the most incredible humans I’ve ever met.

I’m working on healing my inner child & teen, and I’m having fun for the first time in years.

I know that if I slip back into old behaviors, I’ll lose everything that I have worked so hard for.

I’m not willing to risk my life anymore.

I am deserving of good, kind, compassionate things.

I’m excited to see what the next chapter holds for me.

Thank you for being patient while I took an extended break to heal during these past several weeks.

I look forward to writing more soon.

Xoxo

Teddy Hikes