Honesty Hour With Teddy

TW: Eating Disorder Behaviors, Mental Health, Death & Treatment

After several months of being medically stable and in recovery, I gave up.

I relapsed and started to engage in some eating disordered behaviors that I haven’t done in several months, and worsened the ones that I was currently engaging in.

Definitely not my finest moment.

I had told myself that no matter what I wouldn’t purge because I knew the second I did that, I’d be done.

A few weeks ago (September) I relapsed and got way worse than I feel that I’ve ever been (with behaviors).

I got really sick (medically & emotionally).

People I love and care about were worried about me.

I took my treatment team’s advice and went to residential.

Choosing to go has been such a scary experience.

With a new treatment center and providers, I have been super anxious and honestly not at all willing to try this time around.

I am exhausted.

My body was shutting down prior to arriving at this treatment center and I’m currently on refeeding protocol.

What that means is I have several medications that I have to be on, everything I eat is monitored, my blood sugar is montitored, I have to get labs a few times a week and I am on rest (meaning no walks, stretching, or movement of any kind).

This will be my life for the next 1-2 weeks until I’m off this protocol.

Once that happens, the real work will begin.

It’s looking like I will be here for several weeks (8-10 weeks at the very least).

I’m really sick and there is a solution but I honestly don’t think I’m ready for it just yet.

I think I’m slowly getting to the acceptance stage of it all, and am hoping my fire will spark again for my recovery.

I feel like I’m letting a lot of you down by writing this but I wanted to keep you updated.

I know that my honesty could potentially help someone else one day.

I think it’s important show that it’s not all rainbows & unicorns all the time.

If you’re struggling with your mental health or an eating disorder please get help.

Don’t wait til it gets bad enough cause it never will, or if it does then you could die.

I feel the worst I’ve ever felt.

I made a promise to my team that I will try my hardest until I’m 27 (February of next year).

After that I give myself permission to be done with giving it my all (my hope is that in these next few months I will want to continue fighting).

Thanks for reading this intense post. I know I’ve been pretty quiet on here for awhile and wanted to explain myself.

I’m hoping to spend the next few weeks doing some intense healing work and writing more.

If you have any good book recommendations I’d love to hear them!

Also, if you’re feeling inclined to reach out and say hello, I’d love an email!

My email is teddy.hikes@gmail.com

Stay tuned for Teddy’s wild treatment adventures.

Until next time…

XOXO

Teddy Hikes